I’m moving my blog to: https://seemeye-shoutingoutsilently.blogspot.com/ for awhile. Find me there!
Headlines stripped from pages tattered and torn,
Not a damn thing have we learned.
Echoing a time past that man swore would never come again has reared its ugly head taking a stronghold in a country on fragile ground.
His rancid words like golden bile fill my throat; burning the tender flesh from within. If my eyes are closed I might even feel that fine gray ash drift from the furnace and touch my eyelashes; sticking to my cheeks as I cry for what was and what I thought would never come again.
But some of America smiled and embraced all that this self-proclaimed wise man had to say. They breathed in every vile word spoken from his pursed lips. Did he not have wealth and splendor far greater than most of us could gain? Didn’t his silver pen give him the right to make all he spoke true? And some of America bowed to his wealth and his words while others dropped to their knees in honest prayer.
A country, born on the ideal that all men are created equal, is on the verge of making all that our forefathers paved, seem lame. Who would have ever thought that the poem of greater than 200 years inscribed on our icon of freedom “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to me: I lift my lamp beside the golden door,” is slowly being morphed into “two legs good, four legs better”
But some of America smiled as those “yearning to breathe free” were suffocated by a man whose mantra belied his words, “Make America Great Again.” Once again, the white Anglo-Saxon people will rise as it is meant to be and those with alternate skin colors, religions, and beliefs are herded into encampments which we are told will make us feel safe but really is intended to keep their spirits from soaring. My soul screams out, “save from the native Americans, aren’t we all immigrants born to mothers and fathers who left a homeland to make our lives better?”
I am not looking for a revolution. I am seeking a resolution. My mind can only imagine a country moving towards an evolution of all that is diverse, living harmoniously in what used to be a great country. But a trump card has been played and many have laid down before it, eating all that has been spewed before them. Perhaps this belief that the King of Spades has laid at their feet is merely a reflection of what many people have held in their hearts. I shudder at the thought.
“I’m taking my time for a number of things that weren’t important yesterday.” I woke early this morning with that line from Lennon/McCartney’s song Fixing A Hole running through my mind.
What is important in my life? I’d have to say that my relationship with my Higher Power is the most import relationship I have today. God is the Person that gives me guidance and a sane way of living. He is the one that quiets my soul and gives me serenity. He is my life; He is my truth. God is one of the things that “weren’t important yesterday,” but today I’m taking the time to get to know Him on a more personal level.
Yesterday was a glorious day! The air was crisp in the morning, settling into a “just a T-shirt” kind of day in the afternoon, followed by a sweat shirt evening. The precipitation stayed at bay and I was able to get out of my house and do some things that I have been putting off. I cleaned up my yard a little, cleaned my garage that had accumulated boxes to be recycled over the winter. Swept the garage floor and looked around at things I needed to get rid of, which is almost everything. The stuff in my garage is mostly my father’s stuff and he has been gone now 4 years. For awhile, I couldn’t get rid of anything, but the time has come that I need to shed the things that I don’t/can’t use and get rid of them. Hopefully, they will make someone else happy. Maybe this summer, I’ll rent a dumpster and get rid of everything I don’t want. I know I’ll be throwing some valuable pieces of equipment away but if nobody has wanted them in 4 years, they are going away! It took me a long while to come to the realization that my father would have wanted someone to have them that would use them and appreciate them and if nobody wants them, then they are garage sale or garbage items. More then likely garbage items because garage sales are too hard!
I’m not so far along in my attitude about my husband’s things. He has so many pieces of stereo equipment I don’t know what to do with them. I don’t want to just give them away because some of the pieces are very valuable; the problem is that I don’t know which pieces are valuable and which pieces are not. I have time to take care of his many music rooms so I’m not in a hurry to get rid of his equipment or his vinyl just yet. I have started to disassemble them after almost 2 years and put them in piles which is an odd feeling for me. Whenever I touch his “music” it brings the burn of tears to my eyes. He loved his music so much and since he’s been gone, I haven’t had the heart as of yet to listen to much of his music. He has a myriad of music that he collected and downloaded over the decades. He not only had a lot of music, he knew a lot about music as well. When we took our children to the “Rock and Roll Hall of Fame,” they were surprised to see that he had a lot of the vinyl that was displayed at the “Hall of Fame.” In fact, as he was telling his children about the music and who influenced who, a crowd gathered around him and asked him question because they thought he was the tour guide. That memory always makes me smile.
Who knows, maybe someday I’ll get rid of my father’s tools and decide what to do with my husband’s stereo equipment but until then I’ll just cherish the memories that they bring to me today.
After the past few weeks of the STAY AT HOME order and the extension to May 1st and possibly beyond to STAY AT HOME and continue social distancing I felt an immediate cloud come over me. I am having a hard time staying away from people as it is (but I do) but the jolt (that I was expecting) hit another chord inside of me. I’ve been inside of my house since May 22, 2020 and the thought that I’m going to be in my house alone except for my 2 dogs was overwhelming at least. I think I even shed a tear.
This morning, I woke up with the same dread and discomfort that I had the night before. I needed to get rid of it, but how? My house is clean, the closets are cleaned out, where to I go from here? On the bottom of my computer, I found my answer. Taped to the monitor is a prayer that I say when I’m stressed or depressed. I don’t know who wrote it but I am grateful he did. The prayer is short and sweet so you can say it over and over if you need to. It goes like this: “God, please remove this fear from me and give me a vision of what You would have me be.” Sometimes I have to say it over and over until I feel a tangible relaxation of my fear and anxiety. It’s a small price to pay but a huge pay out.
Saying this prayer this morning has given me a whole new attitude. It hooked me to write a gratitude list of my own. Maybe if you read this article, you might even find some gratitude outside of this pandemic we are facing. Feel free to post your gratitudes in the comments because in today’s condition, everybody needs them.
I’m grateful that I had a husband of 40 years before he died and went to be with his Higher Power. He was kind, caring and compassionate, the best husband God could have selected for me.
I’m grateful that out of the union between my husband and I, we were blessed with two children who grew into two strong women. They continually amaze me with their knowledge and compassion for others and for me. I am grateful for technology that allows me to see their faces when I talk to them on the phone. It’s just like the Jetsons but I don’t have one of those things to fix my hair before I talk to anyone.
I am grateful for my brother and his family who live behind me. Their support during this time of quarantine has been invaluable. They buy me dinner and then throw it over the fence for me to eat. Just a little bit of levity there!
I am grateful for my dogs, Roscoe and Chloe, who keep me moving at at time I could just lay down and melt into my couch. They give me “people” to talk to and they are learning! They have quickly caught on when I say, “I think I’ll make myself lunch.” That’s when my Doberkids fly off their perch and are right by my side.
I am grateful that when I woke this morning, I heard the birds sining outside of my bedroom window. I had to smile because so often, I don’t har the birds singing, I just see them flying away. They serenaded me for quite some time and I loved every minute of it.
According to the CDC guidelines, I’m considered a high risk person, but right now, I am healthy. I don’t have any chest congestion, cough, temperature or body aches (other than what old age brings you). I am grateful that my brother’s family is safe and healthy as well as my Aunt who is recovering from a heart attach and her family as well.
I am grateful to my ER family who is still maintaining the front lines of this disease and will be for a long time. I pray that they get the proper rest and nutrition they need. To be honest, I pray for them all the time. I pray that they get the PPE they need to survive and continue the brave fight they are enduring.
I am grateful for all my Al-Anon friends who have set up Zoom meeting so we can continue to fellowship without touching. I have to admit, the only thing lacking in the Zoom meetings is the big hug you get from seeing everyone. I miss those hugs.
I don’t want to go on and on about what I’m grateful for because this morning there is a long list but I would be grateful if you would comment on at least one thing you are grateful for today. It certainly has changed my attitude, does your attitude need a changing too?