It has been almost one year since I’ve blogged and I probably wouldn’t have blogged today except I got an email from WordPress reminding me that I have a blog.  I quit blogging a while ago because all I had to give was my grief at the loss of my husband.  Two years ago he left this earthly plane for his heavenly home.  You’d think after all this time I’d feel better about things, but I don’t.  You’d think that after all this time my fog would have lifted, but it hasn’t.  Today, I am still in as much pain as the day he left, I just can hide it better now.

I can hide my tears when I wake up in the morning and go to bed at night.  I can hide my feelings at meals with friends.  I can hide my raw pain when others talk about their husbands.  But it’s still there; that raw, aching, throat clenching pain that I feel most of the time during the day.  I cry inside a little every time I go to a place where they ask you for your status and I have to say, “I’m a widow.”  With close friends and family I can be myself.  I can cry when I need to and sometimes they even make me laugh, but my laughter never reaches my eyes anymore.  It’s almost like I feel I don’t deserve to laugh or be happy in the wake of my husband’s passing.

I know Bill would not have wanted me to go through life sad.  He would have wanted me to be happy and live my life to the fullest and trust me, I am trying to do that but it is so hard to be happy when you feel such a loss from the inside.  I’d rather just stay in my own house and wallow around in my own grief; but I don’t.  I have been the “traveling queen.”  Since Bill’s death I have been on 2 cruises and a week and a half trip to Colorado and I’m going back to Colorado soon.  I’ve gone, but I’ve felt guilty in some ways.  It’s almost like I don’t deserve to be happy since Bill died.  I should be in a perpetual state of mourning.  But should I?  Should I stop living because the love of my life is no longer with me?  I see other widows moving on and I’m glad for them but I think “how do they do that?”  They seem to have forgotten all about the loved one in their life but I know they couldn’t have.  It’s just me wishing I could be like them.  Wishing that I too can have those laughs that reach your eyes.