Silent Screams (and other odd sounds)

This is what I'm thinking RIGHT NOW. It may not be what I'm thinking tomorrow.

Which Face of God is Right?

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When I was a child, my version of God was a man with long hair dressed in bright white robes with his hands outstretched in a seemingly loving manner ready to slap me silly if I did anything wrong.  The God of my youth was strict, religious, and I was so unworthy to be in His presence.  He loved righteousness and I was so not righteous.  I was a sinner.  I was born a sinner.  I had no hope of ever obtaining the goodness that God required.

Since I thought I had no hope of ever pleasing God, I lived my life the best I could knowing that I was not one of the “chosen” to live an eternal life with God.  Although this was my thoughts about God, I was always searching for a “loophole” for Him to like me….to love me.  I found many loopholes but none that lasted.  Once again, I felt unworthy of God’s love.  The proof that I was unworthy was the “lot” in life God had given me.  I was ugly, I wasn’t financially blessed and my mother was not in the best of health.  I was blind to the blessing that surrounded me.  Gratitude was elusive.  Even though I knew I was unworthy, I still searched, even more diligently, for a loophole into God’s heart.

I thought about why God was not working in my life and I had to ask myself a real question.  Image

Who is my God.  I didn’t like the answer.  My God was not who I thought he was.  My God was materialistic.  Since my God didn’t bless me financially I had to admit that my God could possibly be…  I shivered.


I didn’t like the revelation so I discarded it immediately.  It was a lie.  I didn’t have to accept it and I wasn’t going to accept; but in the back of my mind I wondered if it could be true.  I cried out to God to give me a more pure vision of God.  I begged God to give me a vision of Him that I could live with….a God that was there for ME.  My only desire was to have a closer relationship with God.  I wanted a God that I could love, respect and trust.  If God was so powerful, why did I trust my car to stop when I stepped on the brake pedal more than I trusted God to care for me.  Then it hit me.  In my youth, I had put God in a box and I had never let him out.  The God of my understanding couldn’t work for me because I didn’t allow Him to do so.  The box I put him in kept getting smaller and smaller and my cry to have Him work in my life was large.  He couldn’t do anything for me because I wouldn’t allow Him to do so.  I had made my God too small.Image

Today my God no longer fits in any box.  He can not be contained.  He is the first thing I think of in the morning and I am more than willing…in fact eager… to get on my knees each morning and each night to express my gratitude and love to him.  I am more than willing to humble myself in all things because He knows what I want but more importantly, He knows what I NEED.  I don’t have the entire picture of what my life is to be but HE does and I trust Him to do for me what I can not do for myself. 

My God is spiritual…not religious.  My God is everything to everybody.  My God had many names and is no respecter of persons.  He loves those that call Him Allah, Buddha as well as God.  He loves the righteous as well as the sinner.  His love is endless; caring for the murderer, homosexual, liar as well as the “godly.”  He is all in all.  What more could I ask for in a Higher Power?

The God of your understanding may not be the same as mine; and that is fine…in fact that is the beauty of a God that is so powerful and crosses all barriers. 



Author: seemeye

Wannabe extraordinaire. Genius by birth; fool by nature. A compilation of my life experiences. I think so much it makes my head hurt.

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